Tera-pies

Writing and sharing random experiences(or as you are about to find out, lack thereof) is therapy for me. No, that's not the epiphany. This is a post about people who easily get along with members of the opposite sex platonically, but have no idea how to deal with "major crushes".

So what is this great epiphany that I've had? Girlfriends/boyfriends are basically like every other close friend that you have, except you can do mushy stuff or even possibly fuck with. Really that's it. To the rest of the human population, they'd be going, "uh no shit, Sherlock". But to some of us, especially the aforementioned "dude-sisters"(like me for example) or "bros with bras"(girls who get along well with guys), we have this flawed notion of our potentials/crushes being "extra special", since we're already so used to the company of the opposite sex, but out of nowhere this one particular person grabs you, metaphorically, by the balls/ovaries. 

So this is typically how my "major crush" cycle works;

1. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

You make friends. If not with the crush herself, at least with a friend of the crush. At this stage there's usually no indication of attraction whatsoever. You really are just making friends for the sake of making friends. No hidden agendas or anything screwy here, yet. At best, a typical response to the question "what do you think of her?" is, "meh, she's alright".

2. Click

You get relatively close to this small circle of people. In my case, I'll usually become really close with everyone else BUT the girl who would eventually become a major crush. Again, it's not by design. It's just how it is. I click with everyone else but the girl herself.

3. What's this?

You start developing feelings for her. It's a really slow, gradual process. But it's also pretty random and sudden, because you could have no previous inclinations whatsoever, and then one day you heard a whacky anecdote about her from one of your now close mutual friend, or you picked up a particular quirk of hers that you just happen to find irresistible. And depending on how long I take to look for my balls(could be anywhere between weeks to months), I'll eventually decide to "do something bout it".

4. I am Legend

I don't have a "cruise" setting when it comes to major crushes. I either go all out(again, not a good thing due to the context) or not at all(but in my head, I thought I was). So you can see how easily this will go tits up. As mentioned in point 2, you don't really click with the girl or have any chemistry in the first place, but because you like her so much, you force some kind of a connection, which is generally unstable. It's not natural, and you're usually not yourself. You sort of change certain things that makes you "you" for the sake of trying to make you look more desirable to her. For whatever reason, for me, that usually means TRYING to be more "cool" and "mature/sophisticated-ish"(or as my Singaporean friend puts it, style "abang-abang"). If you know me well by now, you know those are the last words you'd use to describe Syafiq Roslan. I'm an open book(-ish) and I like to annoy. That's my official stats sheet in a nutshell. And when you mess with your personal dynamics like that, not only does it come through loud and clear to everyone else, but you also get easily irritable for not being able to be yourself around this person.

5. Trainwreck

So after "sufficiently" getting to know her or wait "long enough" to make my move(again, in my case, that usually translates as never), I'd tell her. These particular instances are forever etched in my memories because I would always find the most unnecessarily elaborate and embarrassing ways of telling someone that I fancy them. I'll list down all 3 for you, because I've really only had 3 major crushes in my semi-adult life, and I usually have no qualms talking about em, since it's all already in the past anyway; 1) confessing while sobbing uncontrollably in public, 2) making a fuckin expensive long distance phone call, and 3) driving to the crush's house, rudely waking her up and confessing in the car. It's safe to say, none of em has worked yet.

6. The fuck you phase.

So girl rejects boy. Boy feels "betrayed", for some really stupid reason only the boy alone can understand(in hindsight, I don't get it either), because frankly, the girl really didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Thus boy TRIES(emphasis on tries) to give a cold shoulder, or goes into a fit, but secretly yearns more me time with the girl. After a few weeks or months(depends on how bad he crushed on the girl) of self loathing, unnecessary tantrums to his actual friends, pathetic bouts of depression and other such childish displays, he finally realized that he's been living just fine as is, and he's actually content with having his small circle of trustable compadres around, and that the crush isn't really an essential cog in his machine after all. And so...

7. He moves on.

Basically once you've reached this point, air kat bawah titi. There's no more awkwardness, no more grudges(again, why would you have one anyway, diorang bukannya buat apa-apa pon), no more intense feelings. But you also don't really have that urgency to see or hang with her either. Now, she's just sort of here nor there. A non-issue.

And thus, the mystery of why Syafiq Roslan tak pernah ada awek is revealed. There is a lesson here. Don't take things way too seriously and try not to get too ahead of yourself. Always keep the aforementioned epiphany in mind(that girlfriends/boyfriends are essentially just close friends that you cuddle and hold hands and possibly fuck). I think people like me have a habit of attaching that "one of a kind/irreplaceable" label prematurely, when by right it's supposed to be something you only realize AFTER being together with someone for awhile. In short, I've never actually been in love. Just plain old, insane, infatuation so far.

So do I actually feel "loneliness"? Yes and no. No, because like I said, I already have a host of tight knit compadres for the merriest of times. Also, for the most part, I prefer to do things on my own anyway. But occasionally, you do yearn for that feeling of wanting to snuggle up with someone(that you find attractive) while you're watching movies. But tu je la sebenarnya. I'm still really not that keen on a proper, full-on commitment just yet. So snuggle buddy, anyone? =D