Tera-pies

Hi.

It's been awhile.

Straight up, I've been declining mentally and emotionally as of late. Various things that happened in my life basically made it difficult for me to sleep most nights.

And then it hit me - despite being mostly alone back in the day, with a constant revolving door of friendly characters, writing was my release (no matter how nonsensical it was). It definitely helped me work out my demons.

That's why we're here today, continuing from where I left off. I decided to keep the old stuff here in spite of how very clearly cringe of a person I was, as a reminder I suppose, of what not to do or who not to be anymore.

So, what have i been up to for the last 5 years?

Well, I got married.

I'm keeping up with a bubbly, fun and equally chaotic 2 year old.

Been in the ad game, although it's a weird relationship - it's not really my thing but I can't stay away for too long either (I take a break from it every once in awhile, but any other line of work is just too slow or makes me braindead).

Oh, and there's this one mistake I made about 4 years ago that essentially handicapped my financial freedom and I would say is the main trigger for all my unresolved anger and resentment from years of growing up. But hey, that's a story for another day.

But really, what sparked the urge to suddenly write again was a simple thought -

I imagined answering the question "what's it like being a dad?".

My answer? Lots of scrubbing. 

After every meal, every snack, without fail, she'll have stains. And weirdly enough, I enjoy the clean up. I actually savour those quiet moments of just locking myself in the bathroom and scrubbing the stains off her PJs. It's a form of therapy really. 

That and our afternoon drives. Semi-quiet moments with Blues Clues or Bubble Guppies songs playing, her singing along, bopping her head to the tunes and me just escaping for an hour from life. 

I guess some things don't change - driving is still relaxing. The only difference is now I have a mini co-pilot, who by the looks of it, also enjoys the drives as a form of escape too.

Oh, and after 20 frickin years, I'm finally moving out to my own place. You have no idea how excited I am for this. I reckon I'll get more into this in a future post.

Ok, real talk now.

I think my emotions have been very much unchecked as of late.

Whenever I feel someone is getting in the way or breaching my space, I want to utterly destroy them.

In fact, I have been very overprotective of my space and boundaries a lot lately.

I constantly feel the need to punch something or someone.

I get triggered by the most mundane things.

People that sorta annoyed me, now REALLY annoys me.

Trust is a finite resource.

I think it's also the first time I realise I truly miss friends.

Yes, this coming from the guy who can disappear for years and suddenly call you out of the blue to lepak or to check out your latest gig.

I think it's important for me to address this, especially for those who thought I might have abandoned them or taken them for granted.

If I don't see or contact you for long periods of time, just don't take it personally.

I tend to get caught up with whatever's in front of me. Here and now kinda deal, y'know?

Sometimes names will pop up on my periphery every once in awhile and will remind me to ping or nudge.

But for the most part, I just like to be left alone to my own devices, to be able to do things at my own pace and dive headfirst with total abandon into whatever I'm doing.

But yea, that's a little bit of a general catch up from me.

Hope everyone's doing well.

This is not gonna be a regular thing due to my day-to-day schedule, but there'll be life here again.

Oh, and conclusion for my mental & emotional degradation? I should probably see a therapist about it.